A realistic and slightly bullshit-free guide to navigating a happy path for the non-mainstream world.
1. Get a dog. They are the superior pet. Trust us. Dogs are good listeners and since no one else in the world really fucking cares what you have to say, you will thank us for getting one.
2. Get a partner in crime. Argue all you want, it helps when someone else can watch for cops. Maybe this “partner” ends up being your dog. That’s ok as long as you never dress it up and post pics of it on Tumblr. Or tell anyone.
3. Never watch movies with pop stars trying to “act.” Just a few examples: Burlesque, Glitter, anything “starring” Madonna. These “movies” are a fucking colossal waste of time. And time-wasting does not lead to happy.
4. Stop eating shit. If a naked chick tells you to eat better, is it easier to listen than if your mom tells you? What we’re really saying is, don’t get heart disease, asshole, stop eating at Chick-fil-A. Being alive and avoiding hospitals helps in the road to happiness.
5. Go outside. There are plenty of activities that don’t involve talking to people; that do involve running from things, that make for good tales when done at 3am instead of 5pm, that will make you smile when you return to the copy machine uselessness of your day job on Monday. We want you to live a long and well-adjusted life.
6. Get creative. This applies to a myriad of life nonsense and interest building skills. We’ll let you get creative with it.
7. Be enthusiastic. I know. It sounds very new-agey bullshit-a-rific, but hear me out. Everyone is always saying ‘Be positive.’ I call bullshit on that. I hate most people. You can’t be positive about that – why would you want to be? Barf. But, I am highly enthusiastic about hating people. About many things actually: like not standing in lines, like avoiding stupid people, dinner parties and overly enthusiastic hipsters. The enthusiasm is uplifting (you can see it on those hipsters faces even when a bar is out of Pabst they seem ok settling for Schlitz). You can see it in these amazing blog posts where I whimsically refer to you, dear friends, as assholes. I’m not saying you can’t be positive, go ahead if that’s your thing, just saying it isn’t for everyone. Enthusiasm, however, is quite useful for humanity.
8. Meet new people. Now I really hate, yes refer to above, people, but mostly new people. However, it always turns out to be a story of interest when I put in the effort. You don’t have to become friends with these people, or even get along, or even not slap them in the face if required. All I’m saying is that new people keep it interesting and that is worth a lot.
9. Get smarter.
10. Stop throwing shit on the ground. People call this ‘being green.’ I find that term annoying. Do we need to make everything ‘trendy’? Just don’t be a slob, it’s never attractive, even to yourself, and your dog.
11. Go somewhere new. It’s a big world, folks, and if you go somewhere cool, or uncool, let us know. We’ll send you stickers to help ‘urbanize’ it. Urbanizing is trendy.
12. Be responsible. This is certainly not trending. But it’s what grown ups do. Now they don’t teach this on tv anymore, so I know it’s hard to understand, but find an old person and ask them about it if you need help.
13. Be efficient. Yes, sure, get efficient light bulbs and water heaters and all that “green” shit, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being one step ahead (of people, games, the job) at all times. Be efficient in your thoughts and actions. You want to win, don’t you? Everything is a competition, don’t let your frien-emeies fool you on that one.
14. Stop trying to fit in. It’s annoying.
15. Simplify. Get rid of some shit. I call it anti-hoarding. The one and only reason needed to know why this is a good idea: when you want to drop everything and move to Bali, you can.
16. Be realistic. Now this is a big one that people don’t want to tell you because it involves responsibility (refer to #12). No, I’m not saying you can’t dream big or you can’t achieve whatever you can dream up and all that crap – who knows, maybe you can – but you certainly can’t do it by sitting on your fucking couch and pulling some ” The Secret” shit by staring at pictures of mansions and Bentleys. Be realistic about your goals and figure out how you are going to get there. Sorry to break it to ya, but you won’t be CEO if you are late to work everyday, and you won’t be Miss America if you aren’t pretty. Sorry, but that’s reality. On another side to this one, stop trusting everyone one, including yourself. People can suck and situations can suck, that’s just reality, but be realistic and handle your fucking life with ease knowing that suckiness is just a part of life and you will probably survive. If you don’t, then I apologize.
17. Do something. It’s that simple. May we suggest that going to your psychiatrist and getting more drugs to numb reality is not to be considered ‘something.’ That’s really our only criteria for this one.
19. Stand up for what you believe in. But make sure you are up-to-date on knowing about what you believe. Or shut the fuck up. Nothing is worse than arguing with someone about something they decided to stand behind and find out they just jumped on board because it was a Google headline that morning.
20. Be self-sufficient. This helps in all of the above. Even if you have a partner in crime, or a dog, it is much sexier if you can do shit for yourself. Maybe the most important one of all is be sexy. Sex always makes me happier.
20. And last, and certainly the least mentioned happy factor ever on happy lists: Accept the hate. Hate can be a great motivator. For you and others. Stop hating yourself because you hate shit. Hate something worth hating and be the change of hate in the world that you need to be.
That’s all we’ve got. If we missed anything, feel free to let us know…on goods days this Insurgency is a democracy. But we’ll end with the fact that happiness doesn’t really matter folks, that’s a an overly simplified & lame existence excuse for making it through life. Make your life fucking mean something, whatever that means to you is good enough.