Tommy Gun.

Hi. My name is TG. I write things for this blog that are usually a huge fucking waste of my time and yours’. But here I am writing this intro for myself, (because no one else over here will because it’s 9:42 in the morning and that’s just too fucking early), and here you are reading it, so I guess we both are pretty fucking boring. It’s okay, because there is nothing wrong with being boring. If no one was boring, than we wouldn’t have amazing un-boring people, like David Hasselhoff, to look up to. And really, what else matters besides celebrity idolatry in this country? Nothing.

So that’s why I answered all these questions about myself. Maybe I am a little less boring than you – that’s what I’m hoping for. Hate all you want on that – you think you’ll see me in the street so you can tell me off? No you won’t, but that’s why we have a comment box, so you can tell us how fucking wonderful you think you are.  (The power of the delete button on this end is a very powerful thing, my friend.)  All I need is little bit of my own celebrity to carry me into my twilight years content and justified. Or maybe a chance at Celebrity Rehab. You can understand that, right? Of course you can cuz we all want the same fucking thing: Just to fit in.

xo

Enjoy:

Current location: TBD.

Hometown: The Land of Oz.

Age: Too young for you.

Occupation: Man handler.

Addiction(s):  Lindsay Lohan.

Favorite Quote: ‘If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be a human being; you’d be a game show host.’

Favorite book: He’s Just Not That Into You.

Favorite movie: Heathers.

Favorite sport: Mind fucking.

Idol: Kay-dollarsign-ha.

Sexual Orientation: Bent over.

Relationship status: Two in the pink, one in the stink.

Favorite hand tool: A toothbrush. Really, more people should look into those.

Motto: Sex money fame.

Theme song(s): Eye of the Tiger.

Life Aspiration(s): Recreate ‘Band of the Hand’ with an all girl porn and pop star cast.

Favorite food: Trident Layers.

Favorite TV show: Anything involving Mario Lopez.

Celebrity doppelganger: Suri Cruise with Snooki’s tan.

Title of your autobiography: Moby’s Dick. I’m not quite sure what that means yet either, but it has a nice ring to it.

One thing you can’t live without: The Jersey Shore. And probably David Hasselhoff.

Name of your reality show on E!: Daily Interventions.

One person you want to tell to ‘Fuck off’’: George Lopez. “Hey, George Lopez! Enough already.”

One person you want to jack off?  Tyler Durden.

Ethnicity: Whatever you want it to be.

Drink/drug of choice: Wheat pasting and spanking.

What you do here: Make coffee.

Why were you hired? I got the skills to pay the bills. Like making coffee.

Favorite form of transportation: Rich men with drivers.

Least favorite drug: Musicians.

Most disgusting celebrity: John Mayer.

Religious affiliation? Insurgency Inc.

Fan of Baby Jesus?  Who doesn’t love babies?

Fan of Jewish Jesus?  There’s a Jewish Jesus?

Legalize marijuana? Isn’t it?

Legalize Lohan? Can you repeat the question?

Abdul – straight or gay? Unicorns don’t have sex.

Spirit Animal: Courtney Love.

3 responses to Tommy Gun.

  1. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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