Hi. My name is TG. I write things for this blog that are usually a huge fucking waste of my time and yours’. But here I am writing this intro for myself, (because no one else over here will because it’s 9:42 in the morning and that’s just too fucking early), and here you are reading it, so I guess we both are pretty fucking boring. It’s okay, because there is nothing wrong with being boring. If no one was boring, than we wouldn’t have amazing un-boring people, like David Hasselhoff, to look up to. And really, what else matters besides celebrity idolatry in this country? Nothing.
So that’s why I answered all these questions about myself. Maybe I am a little less boring than you – that’s what I’m hoping for. Hate all you want on that – you think you’ll see me in the street so you can tell me off? No you won’t, but that’s why we have a comment box, so you can tell us how fucking wonderful you think you are. (The power of the delete button on this end is a very powerful thing, my friend.) All I need is little bit of my own celebrity to carry me into my twilight years content and justified. Or maybe a chance at Celebrity Rehab. You can understand that, right? Of course you can cuz we all want the same fucking thing: Just to fit in.
Current location: TBD.
Hometown: The Land of Oz.
Age: Too young for you.
Occupation: Man handler.
Addiction(s): Lindsay Lohan.
Favorite Quote: ‘If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be a human being; you’d be a game show host.’
Favorite book: He’s Just Not That Into You.
Favorite movie: Heathers.
Favorite sport: Mind fucking.
Sexual Orientation: Bent over.
Relationship status: Two in the pink, one in the stink.
Favorite hand tool: A toothbrush. Really, more people should look into those.
Motto: Sex money fame.
Theme song(s): Eye of the Tiger.
Life Aspiration(s): Recreate ‘Band of the Hand’ with an all girl porn and pop star cast.
Favorite food: Trident Layers.
Favorite TV show: Anything involving Mario Lopez.
Celebrity doppelganger: Suri Cruise with Snooki’s tan.
Title of your autobiography: Moby’s Dick. I’m not quite sure what that means yet either, but it has a nice ring to it.
One thing you can’t live without: The Jersey Shore. And probably David Hasselhoff.
Name of your reality show on E!: Daily Interventions.
One person you want to tell to ‘Fuck off’': George Lopez. “Hey, George Lopez! Enough already.”
One person you want to jack off? Tyler Durden.
Ethnicity: Whatever you want it to be.
Drink/drug of choice: Wheat pasting and spanking.
What you do here: Make coffee.
Why were you hired? I got the skills to pay the bills. Like making coffee.
Favorite form of transportation: Rich men with drivers.
Least favorite drug: Musicians.
Most disgusting celebrity: John Mayer.
Religious affiliation? Insurgency Inc.
Fan of Baby Jesus? Who doesn’t love babies?
Fan of Jewish Jesus? There’s a Jewish Jesus?
Legalize marijuana? Isn’t it?
Legalize Lohan? Can you repeat the question?
Abdul – straight or gay? Unicorns don’t have sex.
Spirit Animal: Courtney Love.