OMG there are, like, 51 entries for OMG in the Urban Dictionary. OMG.

They all, like, use the term ‘like OMG’ in like every entry. OMG seems to be, like, a very complicated term that originates from ‘newbies,’ or ‘geeks,’ or maybe ‘valley girls,’ or like ‘teenage girls,’ or was it ‘blonde chicks?’ You get the point, everyone like fucking uses OMG on a, like, daily fucking basis.

I was going to write out some samples of the definitions of OMG, but did I mention that there were like 51 entries? I don’t have that kind of time – the kind of time to actually back up these rants with legitimate facts and what-not. So go here and like feel free to like peruse through the 7+ pages of OMG definition-like entries if your day job is just that worthless.

In complete contrast to the newfangled so-called ‘Urban’ dictionary, there is only one entry for OMG in the ole’ skool Merriam-Webster Dictionary. It states the definition as: ‘oh my God.’

To the fact that OMG even made it into Merriam-Webster, I say OMFG.

Lucky for you, we are here to make things right.

Say this out loud: Hmm LMT. (Say the ‘Hmm’ with your pointed finger to your lips, or to your temple accompanied with a slight head tilt. Say the ‘LMT’ with a Scottish or British accent. Finish it all off with an exaggerated side-wink, like you are thinking really hard about nailing that accent. The accent really isn’t important here- it is that look of making the words you speak seem really important that matters.)

This is my proposed replacement for OMG.

Hmm LMT.

It stands for ‘Hmm, let me think.’

As in, ‘What you said is really fucking lame, or awesome, or such a mind-fuck that I just need a moment.’ Much, much more descriptive already than that OMG crap.

I thought ‘Hmm TII’ would be good, too – as in ‘Hmm…that is interesting.’  This makes you seem more contemplative, more acutely aware of your emotions and general sense of self in relation to the surrounding world. Chicks dig that:

Point is, we need to, like, stop using OMG.

We sound like fucking idiots. WE used to sound like fucking idiots only to each other, (by ‘us’ I mean, Americans), but we seem to have grown past this. Surprise surprise. Now, we sound like fucking idiots to the entire rest of the world, as well.

Let’s give this a try. I have taken the following sentences from one of the 51 urban dictionary entries for OMG and have substituted my proposed replacement terms to prove their potential for bettering our society.

1. ‘OMG! Dan Radcliffe is like, so effin hott!!’ becomes ‘Hmm LMT. Abdul Malik is like, so effin hot.

See how, firstly, the over-excessive use of exclamation points magically disappeared when OMG was simply replaced by Hmm LMT? That is wonderful and will probably get you laid by Mr. Abdul where as the first overly emphatic declaration would have made Mr. Radcliffe run far far away. Brilliant.

2. ‘OMG, I left the kitchen on fire!’ becomes ‘Hmm TII, I left the kitchen on fire.’

Again, your improved control of excitement while speaking will certainly impress those around you when said kitchen is discovered on fire. No one will question how you ‘left’ a kitchen on fire, but will rather think ‘Hmm TII’ themselves. You seem smart, bold, brazen, daring and most importantly sexy. Only a sexy  and brave man would leave a kitchen on fire and not shriek OMG followed by numerous exclamation points:

3. ‘OMG. That skirt is very gothtastic. Bring in Halloween, ’cause we’re going to throw a gothtastic party. OMG!’ becomes ‘Hmm LMT. I need new friends. Goodbye.’

Wow. Whole new life. You’re welcome.

4. ‘Ooh, OMG! <3333 Buttsecks! ^-^’ becomes ‘Hmm TII, I love buttsex.’

Let me tell you, if you love buttsex as much as I do, you will certainly get a lot more buttsex by not using OMG, a less-than sign paired with a million 3′s and a squinty face when talking about buttsex. Even if you are a gay man. Trust me…Use that aforementioned pointer finger/accent trick and you will soon be having buttsex with foreigners, too, maybe even in a library:

5. ‘Faster, you’re making me cum! OMG!’ becomes:

Yes, an orgy. If the prospect of orgies don’t make you shut the fuck up with this OMG nonsense, then you have something wrong with you.

Now time for a test:

First thing that popped in your head?

As long as it wasn’t, OMG, we’re good. We don’t need to know.

And just for the record, you must, however, never wear suede loafers when uttering these new terms. These terms are not for suede wearing loafer people. You must continue to say OMG if you wear suede loafers. Sorry, but I cannot help your kind, I just do not have the time, or rather I do not know where to start.

Go forth America and start using those big ole’ brains that we all pretend to have. We’re on your side.